Case #1- Elizabeth, a 40 year old homemaker was always feeling angry and "used" by her family, constantly saying that everybody took advantage of her. She felt that she worked like a slave but her family showed no appreciation or acknowledgement of her many efforts.
Case #2- Bill, a 34 year old husband complained that his critical wife was always angry at him.
He spent his life trying to cope with her outrages which often escalated him into defensive anger which didn't happen anywhere but in this relationship.
Case #3- Betty, a 42 year separated mother struggled with her soon to be ex-husband's contempt and disrespect every time she angrily called him to discuss details of their divorce. These three cases bring up the question often asked by participants in our anger management classes: Is it possible to control how family members treat us? The short answer is "no" - but often we can teach them to treat us better!
Believe it or not, we are constantly teaching our family how to treat us- both by our responses to their behavior, and by the behavior we display to them which they react to. In our case examples:
- By automatically doing whatever her husband and children requested, Elizabeth was "teaching" them that there are almost no limits to what she would do for them.
- With his behavior, Bill was actually teaching his wife that the way to get attention from him (even if it was negative attention) was for her to create drama.
- Betty was so intimidated by her husband, that her defensive "attitude" was "teaching" him that to deal with her, he had to push back with the contempt and disrespect that he constantly showed her.
The dance of anger
Our interchange with family members is often like a carefully choreographed dance. They make a move. You make a move in response to their move. They then respond to what you said or did and ?well, you get the idea!
How do you change the dance? Start by seeing yourself as a teacher-of how you would like your family to treat you.
Four ways to change what you teach others
1. Try a softer start-up. Marital research shows that the first few seconds of an interaction can predict the final outcome of the encounter. Try being softer, more polite, more respectful, less hostile, or more empathetic-and see how this change in your approach actually teaches others to respond better to you.
2. Take a time-out before dealing with the conflict or situation. Conflicting or arguing family members often work themselves up to a point at which problem solving is impossible.
The solution is to retreat and give yourself time to calm down and think things over. This takes at least 20 minutes, often much longer. Before taking your time out, it is important to tell the other person that you will commit to returning soon to deal with the conflict, after you are calmer-then be sure to do it!
3. Acknowledge that you see how they must be seeing the situation. Called "empathy," this response on your part teaches others that you care about their feelings and viewpoints, and opinions.
Acknowledgement doesn't mean that you necessarily agree with their viewpoint -only that you see it. Sometimes, your family needs to know that you care about them and respect their opinions before they listen to what you say.
4. Set limits and boundaries for your family members. Limits and boundaries are basically rules regarding acceptable behaviors toward you as well as what you are willing or not willing to do.
If you feel others are taking advantage of you, ask yourself what you may be doing ( or not doing )to give the message it is "ok" for them to do whatever they are doing. Often you can change their behavior toward you by teaching them different rules of being with you. The easiest way to do this is simply to respond differently yourself. For instance, they make you the core of a nasty joke. Being a nice person, you pretend it doesn't bother you (even though it does), so you laugh with everybody else. As an alternative, try not laughing with them, which is a way of teaching them that they have crossed a boundary with you.
2005 ? Dr. Tony Fiore All rights reserved.
Dr. Tony Fiore (http://www.angercoach.com) is a So. California licensed psychologist, and anger management trainer. His company, The Anger Coach, provides anger and stress management programs, training and products to individuals, couples, and the workplace. Sign up for his free monthly newsletter "Taming The Anger Bee" at http://www.angercoach.com
We strive for excellence in our lives, going at full... Read More
Q. I wonder if you could help me with a... Read More
When September rolls around, does it generally hit you like... Read More
Are you a "worry wart?" Is that term familiar to... Read More
Seems like more and more they are all around us.... Read More
My son was watching a Richard Scarry video this morning... Read More
Make stress less of an issue for you in your... Read More
As we celebrate yet another Labor Day, I thought it... Read More
No need to go spend money at a spa! There... Read More
In order to free ourselves from the pain of anger... Read More
One of the best ways to relieve yourself from the... Read More
Where does stress really come from? Is there any simple... Read More
A grandfather, whose grandson came to him angry at a... Read More
Picture the following scene:It's Sunday evening, the weekend is winding... Read More
Living in our world today can be very stressful. While... Read More
It is no secret that stress and related disorders are... Read More
Have you ever listened to someone, perhaps even to your... Read More
We wonder how many of you might recognise this scenario?... Read More
A stressless lifestyle? That's very easy to say. Yet it... Read More
It's summertime and chances are you can remember a summer... Read More
My first real job (schedule, time clock, paycheck, boss) was... Read More
If you've recently experienced loss or are going through a... Read More
I once worked with a woman whose zest,joy and enthusiasm... Read More
The brain uses feel-good transmitters called endorphins when managing daily... Read More
First, let's make a distinction between pressure and stress. We... Read More
No this is not related to praying, this is how... Read More
Genuine enthusiasm...real feeling of accomplishment...sense of satisfaction and fun. Welcome... Read More
Question 1"How do I get more time to play?"Answer: Schedule... Read More
Many people recognise the warning signs that stress may be... Read More
Stress, America's #1 health problem, is a leading cause of... Read More
Everyone experiences stress at some point in their life. In... Read More
"I've got too much to do, I've just got too... Read More
Why do we resist change? As the saying goes, the... Read More
One of the ways I have avoided a lot of... Read More
What do you do when you wake up in the... Read More
I have yet to see a scientist talk about the... Read More
"The great lesson from the true mystics, from the Zen... Read More
Did you know that more than half of our adult... Read More
Stress and anxiety can prematurely age our mind and body.... Read More
There is one sure fire medicine that cures all difficulty... Read More
Meditation seems to have arrived in the mainstream of late,... Read More
1. Take a relaxing bath. Add music, candles and a... Read More
ResentmentsA wise friend once said that holding onto resentments is... Read More
If you are an anxiety and panic sufferer, then you've... Read More
Perhaps you've heard of the 80/20 rule, but don't know... Read More
When I pay attention, I clearly see the arresting ways... Read More
Q: We recently had someone come to our company to... Read More
We strive for excellence in our lives, going at full... Read More
... Read More
Who hasn't experienced "worry" at one time or another? Almost... Read More
Stress Management |