Case #1- Elizabeth, a 40 year old homemaker was always feeling angry and "used" by her family, constantly saying that everybody took advantage of her. She felt that she worked like a slave but her family showed no appreciation or acknowledgement of her many efforts.
Case #2- Bill, a 34 year old husband complained that his critical wife was always angry at him.
He spent his life trying to cope with her outrages which often escalated him into defensive anger which didn't happen anywhere but in this relationship.
Case #3- Betty, a 42 year separated mother struggled with her soon to be ex-husband's contempt and disrespect every time she angrily called him to discuss details of their divorce. These three cases bring up the question often asked by participants in our anger management classes: Is it possible to control how family members treat us? The short answer is "no" - but often we can teach them to treat us better!
Believe it or not, we are constantly teaching our family how to treat us- both by our responses to their behavior, and by the behavior we display to them which they react to. In our case examples:
- By automatically doing whatever her husband and children requested, Elizabeth was "teaching" them that there are almost no limits to what she would do for them.
- With his behavior, Bill was actually teaching his wife that the way to get attention from him (even if it was negative attention) was for her to create drama.
- Betty was so intimidated by her husband, that her defensive "attitude" was "teaching" him that to deal with her, he had to push back with the contempt and disrespect that he constantly showed her.
The dance of anger
Our interchange with family members is often like a carefully choreographed dance. They make a move. You make a move in response to their move. They then respond to what you said or did and ?well, you get the idea!
How do you change the dance? Start by seeing yourself as a teacher-of how you would like your family to treat you.
Four ways to change what you teach others
1. Try a softer start-up. Marital research shows that the first few seconds of an interaction can predict the final outcome of the encounter. Try being softer, more polite, more respectful, less hostile, or more empathetic-and see how this change in your approach actually teaches others to respond better to you.
2. Take a time-out before dealing with the conflict or situation. Conflicting or arguing family members often work themselves up to a point at which problem solving is impossible.
The solution is to retreat and give yourself time to calm down and think things over. This takes at least 20 minutes, often much longer. Before taking your time out, it is important to tell the other person that you will commit to returning soon to deal with the conflict, after you are calmer-then be sure to do it!
3. Acknowledge that you see how they must be seeing the situation. Called "empathy," this response on your part teaches others that you care about their feelings and viewpoints, and opinions.
Acknowledgement doesn't mean that you necessarily agree with their viewpoint -only that you see it. Sometimes, your family needs to know that you care about them and respect their opinions before they listen to what you say.
4. Set limits and boundaries for your family members. Limits and boundaries are basically rules regarding acceptable behaviors toward you as well as what you are willing or not willing to do.
If you feel others are taking advantage of you, ask yourself what you may be doing ( or not doing )to give the message it is "ok" for them to do whatever they are doing. Often you can change their behavior toward you by teaching them different rules of being with you. The easiest way to do this is simply to respond differently yourself. For instance, they make you the core of a nasty joke. Being a nice person, you pretend it doesn't bother you (even though it does), so you laugh with everybody else. As an alternative, try not laughing with them, which is a way of teaching them that they have crossed a boundary with you.
2005 ? Dr. Tony Fiore All rights reserved.
Dr. Tony Fiore (http://www.angercoach.com) is a So. California licensed psychologist, and anger management trainer. His company, The Anger Coach, provides anger and stress management programs, training and products to individuals, couples, and the workplace. Sign up for his free monthly newsletter "Taming The Anger Bee" at http://www.angercoach.com
Oswego limo rental .. Lockport Chicago limo O’HareSo, you've recognised that you are suffering from stress and... Read More
We function at our best when we are free from... Read More
Did you know that taking a short trip, such as... Read More
A grandfather, whose grandson came to him angry at a... Read More
There are many kinds of daily grinds. In the U.S.... Read More
This heading may seem like a contradiction in terms. How... Read More
"Let your mind be quiet, realizing the beauty of the... Read More
Life would be so wonderful if it weren't for other... Read More
Are you looking for stress relief? No drugs, no meditation?... Read More
Something the successful business person needs is - lots of... Read More
In his book, The 22 Non-Negotiable Laws of Wellness, author... Read More
Do you worry all the time?Do the following symptoms bother... Read More
While free-lancing for business magazines, I was assigned to write... Read More
Feeling stressed out lately? Don't worry, there is a simple... Read More
Perhaps you've heard of the 80/20 rule, but don't know... Read More
... Read More
One of my favorite stories about change is the story... Read More
Case #1- Elizabeth, a 40 year old homemaker was always... Read More
Often, in today's fast paced world, we forget to take... Read More
What do you think of when you see that word?... Read More
The National Center for health statistics reported that in 1997,... Read More
One of the best ways to relieve yourself from the... Read More
Are you a person who has a keen imagination, a... Read More
We are currently living in a capitalist society where money... Read More
Did you know that more than half of our adult... Read More
Lincoln Stretch rentals Ashmore ..Stress Vs PressureStress is something we all have, it's not... Read More
"Learn how to turn frustration into fascination. You will learn... Read More
Q: We recently had someone come to our company to... Read More
Looking for some quick stress relief?Edward W. Smith, motivational speaker,... Read More
Most people know of the importance of exercise as a... Read More
The brain uses feel-good transmitters called endorphins when managing daily... Read More
A grandfather, whose grandson came to him angry at a... Read More
It was one of the first words you learned to... Read More
My work often deals with proactive, preventive means to Overcome... Read More
Are You Too Stressed?Is your stomach all tied up in... Read More
My first real job (schedule, time clock, paycheck, boss) was... Read More
A friend has this quotation on his office wall: "I... Read More
Do you ever feel stressed? Is stress a regular component... Read More
When something happens in our lives, we automatically assess the... Read More
It's no secret that we women, by virtue of our... Read More
It is very true that, unfortunately, many people look to... Read More
What part of no don't you understand? - Bumper stickerThe... Read More
Is your stress level higher than it should be? Are... Read More
Managing stress is not easy if you don't have the... Read More
The right amount of stress can be good for you,... Read More
One of the best ways to combat stress and depression... Read More
Raise your hand if you have ever been rejected by... Read More
STRESS & TIME MANAGEMENT: Stress is either the source or... Read More
I learned a valuable lesson recently. A short while ago,... Read More
Many people go through the motions during Christmas. If not... Read More
Stress Management |