Home
>
Writing
>
I Am Biodegradable - My Writing Is Not

I Am Biodegradable - My Writing Is Not

My dad was wrong. I just discovered that I am good for nuthin' after all. In fact I've been good for nuthin' all along. I am 100% biodegradable and that means I can be recycled into nuthin'. It also means that no matter how much I waste, no matter how much I consume, no matter how much I pollute, in the end I am environment-friendly. Best of all, I now have an end use.

Now that's something to put on my resume!

This comes as particularly good news to somebody who is not sure what his purpose is. Sometimes I write these humor columns, pretending to be funny. Sometimes people even laugh, and I worry that it might be the start of an ominous trend.

Sometimes I am selling my happiness book, pretending to be a successful author. With 2,000 copies of my book keeping the floor from floating upwards, perhaps I AM successful. Levitating floors are generally not considered signs of success in this part of the country.

Sometimes I am optimizing websites for search engine rankings. "What exactly does that mean?" I am often asked.

"Well...it means that I get my clients' site high up in the searches." Blank stare.

I try again. "It means that I help Google show you my clients' web sites. Blank stare.

"Well...I'm not sure how to explain it. But I get paid to do it." People understand that.

"I turn on a machine that defluctuates the turbo-rotating modulator down at the spare parts plant," someone adds.

"What exactly does that mean?" I ask.

"Beats me. But I get paid to do it." We are soulmates.

Sometimes I write for pay, because people seem to want something written. They hope that if they can't say it themselves, I might be able to find just the right words.

"C'mon, David. You have lots of words. Why don't you lend me some? Why, just last week you promised to 'defenestrate' me, whatever that means." They want me to put their thoughts into words, and occasionally they want me to create their thoughts. I worked for a politician years ago. I vaguely remember how to write somebody else's thoughts before he knew he had them.

"So what do you write?"

"Web site copy, mostly."

"Really? Not another book?"

"No, I still have 2,000 copies of the last book piled up in my office."

"I'm sure they'll sell quickly, David."

"Really? Want one?"

"Uh...gotta go. It's time for my pet goldfish's nap."

I also write this humor column faithfully every week. But people actually PAY me to write website copy. Now, dear reader, answer me this question. Would you rather be reading this hilarious column, loaded with frosting and topped with chocolate syrup, or would you rather read plain vanilla website copy.

OK, go ahead and read the website copy, then. See if I care.

One thing my website copy and this column have in common is that they are not biodegradable. Remember how computers would save the environment as they replace the three gazillion tones of paper we trash every few hours in offices around the world and elsewhere?

Now we discover that all that paper at least was biodegradable, recyclable, reusable. It wasn't all that bad for the environment, after all. But the monitor you are reading this on will last forever. (SFX: evil laughter) Adventure seekers from the planet Zorgoppppt will land here in the year 2304 and discover all these abandoned monitors scattered around.

One Zorgopppptian will say to the other, "prrg, ddyte h hthp oooo djudu" (Translation: "Groovy paper weights!")

But they won't find me, thanks to my lifetime achievement. I'll be long gone, because I am (chest swells with pride) biodegradable.

About The Author

David Leonhardt is biodegradable and happy at: http://www.thehappyguy.com

He is author of Inspiration & Motivation To Go: http://www.thehappyguy.com

The Get Happy Workbook: http://www.thehappyguy.com

and Climb Your Stairway to Heaven: the 9 habits of maximum happiness: http://www.thehappyguy.com

To write your website copy, newsletter or award winning biodegradable cereal box copy, email him at: http://www.thehappyguy.com

one time home cleaning Highland Park ..

In The News:

Privacy risks are hiding in plain sight, as your personal data is likely being collected, tracked, and sold without your knowledge.

VenHub, a fully autonomous, AI-powered smart store just opened at the LAX/Metro Transit Center in Los Angeles.

A woman's Facebook account takeover reveals dangerous social engineering tactics and provides lessons on recovery, avoiding scams and enacting stronger security measures.

Shanghai engineers are using 432 walking robots to relocate a complex, preserving Shikumen architecture while creating space for a modern underground hub and cultural center.

Major healthcare data analytics firm Episource had a cybersecurity incident exposing 5 million patients' medical records and personal information in recent breach.

A new sophisticated PayPal scam sends legitimate-looking emails from official PayPal addresses, using phone numbers instead of links to convince victims to download remote access tools.

Fox News' AI Newsletter brings you the latest on this rapidly evolving technology.

The innovative Kara Pod device extracts moisture from air to create mineral-rich water and brew coffee, featuring UV sterilization and compatibility with Nespresso pods.

Gov. Hochul unveiled New York's nuclear power plant project to power a million homes, which faces permit challenges while promising jobs and a cleaner energy future.

SAFE introduces Aerie, an underground luxury bunker combining high-end living with advanced security, wellness amenities and interactive walls simulating panoramic views.

A Facebook scammer posing as Elon Musk tricked a victim with promises of a Tesla and $250,000, requesting gift cards that become untraceable once the codes are shared.

Experience hands-free golfing with the Robera Neo smart caddie that uses AI to follow you, navigate obstacles and carry your clubs with GPS course mapping.

Cybersecurity alert: 16 billion passwords exposed in massive credential database affecting major platforms. Protect your accounts with password managers

The innovative BeBot robot uses electric power to remove pollution from shorelines, covering 20-30 times more area than manual collection while preserving wildlife.

A new ClickFix campaign targets macOS users with fake Spectrum support sites, tricking victims with CAPTCHA failures to paste commands that install information-stealing malware.

AI-powered autonomous trucks from Plus Automation are being tested across the U.S., Europe and Asia to solve logistics challenges while facing regulatory hurdles and labor concerns.

Your health information might feel private and secure with your doctor, but the reality is far more complicated. Data brokers collect a wide range of sensitive health data, from diagnoses and prescription details to personal identifiers, and sell this data to marketers, insurers, and other third parties.

Kepler Robotics has officially introduced its Forerunner K2 "Bumblebee" humanoid robot at the SAIC-GM automotive plant in Shanghai, marking a significant moment in the real-world deployment of advanced robotics.

Scammers never seem to be running out of new ways to try and get their hands on your money – and lately, they've been getting sophisticated.

Thirty people were injured and killed, though the exact number remains currently unknown, when a suicide bomber blew himself up in a Damascus church.

Unexpected password reset alerts signal potential hacking attempts or phishing scams. Learn how to respond and establish stronger security measures for your accounts.

A historic electric airplane flight landed at JFK with passengers, marking a milestone as Beta Technologies demonstrates the practicality and efficiency of electric air travel.

The Chaos ransomware group breached Optima Tax Relief in a double-extortion attack, stealing sensitive customer case files and corporate documents with personal information.

Stay up to date on the latest AI technology advancements and learn about the challenges and opportunities AI presents now and for the future.

The first human brain-computer interface by Paradromics was completed in 20 minutes, featuring microelectrodes to help paralyzed individuals control computers with thoughts.