Frankie saddled up to the bar at the We-Stuff-Em-All Diner, official headquarters of Fat For A New America. He turned to his most portly friend, Bubba the Burger, and launched a tirade. "If we don't do something now, we could lose all our progress, twenty-five years of expanding and accumulating straight down the drain--if you catch my flow." "Did you call the others?" Bubba asked. "Yeah. Sophie and Bunnie are on the way. I told them we needed an emergency meeting." "What about Mickey?" Bubba continued. "Holy preservatives, I forgot him. Let me borrow your cell." Bubba passed him the phone.
Sophie The Soft Drink and Bunnie The Bun waddled through the front door, followed by Mickey The Malt a few minutes later. The group moved to the corner booth, brainstorm central for all Fat For A New America founders. "We face a potential shrinkage crisis," Frankie began. "We need to bind together and map out a new strategy." "For the love of lard, Frankie, give us a break," Sophie started. "We've already captured over two thirds of the entire population, half of them with over 30 pounds each of good ol', genuine American-made blubber. We're killin' `em out there." "You don't get it, Sophie," Frankie argued adamantly. "Even though we've trapped the overwhelming majority, not a single one of `em wants us to stick around-so to speak. If we give them any kind of opening, we're history." "Not only that," Bubba added, "our enemies the vegetables don't care. They're quite happy to be consumed and eliminated without leaving anything behind-no future, no legacy, nothing to show at all." "I never understood that mentality," Mickey piped in. "No vision whatsoever-way too small-minded, if you see what I mean." "Yeah, very thin thinking," Bunnie chimed.
"For flab's sake, enough chatter," ordered Frankie. "Time to glob together. We need to neutralize the threats once and for all. Sophie, you've been dealing with enemy number two, fruit. What's your report?" "Good news on all fronts," Sophie responded. "Operation Can `Em or Juice `Em is processing at full speed. We took out most of Poppa Pear and trapped him in chemicals inside a can, turned Abe Apple into either sauce or sugar-laden drinks and created a whole line of fake juices that confuse almost everybody into believing that they're getting real fruit when actually the whole bottle has less than 10%. The rest is all water, sugar and colorings-perfect for fat conversion." "Well lumberin' love handles, that's excellent." Frankie wiped the grease from his brow. "As we grow that operation, we'll control the fruit market-get rid of those who act too fresh. Bubba, you have a another proposal?" "Yeah. It's called Salt, Sweeten & Stimulate-a movement that we have total control over." Bubba gazed around the table. "All of us play a corpulent role."
Bubba chortled at his best pal. "Frankie, you first. Can you add more salt to your ingredients?" "Sure, Bubba. No problem." "More salt will cause more bloating since it can only stay in humans in saline. More bloating, more weight, less exercise, more need for stimulants, you get the drift-which leads me to you Sophie. Can you bump up your caffeine content?" "Whatever the cause calls for, Bubba." Bubba gloated chubbily. "More stimulants, higher highs, quicker crashes, more cravings for sugar. That's where you come in, Mickey. Can you double your sweetness?" "For sure, my bulbous brother." Bubba's lips dripped with oil. "More sugar, more fat storage, more spikes and less energy for anything that could dissolve us in any way." Bubba drooled with gluttony. "Bunnie, you're last-the hostess with the mostest-the one that holds us all together. I want you to do it all-more salt to your deliciously nutritionless processed flour; a sugar glazing to the top of each bun; more sugar in the mix; and chemicals that will bind and bind and bind." Bubba laughed so hard he almost lost his mustard. "If we work together, we'll form more tires than Goodyear," Bubba gleefully declared. "Our place in history forever anchored to their mid-rifts."
"Outstanding," Frankie praised. "Truly gelatinous. But we still have to deal with enemy number one-those vile vegetables." "We're making some progress, Frankie," Bunnie chirped. "We got ketchup classified as a vegetable in the school system and packed it full of both sugar and salt-addict `em while they're young and defenseless." "It's not the sauces I'm worried about," Frankie espoused. "We've crammed most of them with salt or sugar or both. The greenies pose our biggest challenge, Artie Artichoke, Gretta Green Bean and our archrival, Sallie Salad. If they gain any momentum, they might get into a zone. Remember, they produce slow-burning fuel and disappear without a trace-a total waste! If humans get hip, we'll go the way of the glacier-melt city!" Frankie mopped more grease from his tubby cheeks. "As much as we all hate salads, we need more sugar and salt on those veggies-drown their virtues in creaminess, sweetness and glutomates. We need an ally on the inside. I say we call Deirdre-Deirdre The Dressing Queen. I know that's extreme, so let's take a vote."
One by one, the Fat For A New America founders thrust their pudgy hands into the center of the council and gave the thumbs up. In one voice, they began to chant, faster and faster to the final, oversized crescendo: "Fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, MOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE fat, fat!!!" "Meeting adjourned," ordered Frankie. "A waist is a terrible thing to mind-let's eat." TO BE CONTINUED?
Author Ridgely Goldsborough co-founded The YoungSlim Lifestyle, an integrated approach to weight-management and anti-aging that can be reviewed in streaming video at http://www.youngslim.com. Ridgely can be emailed directly at http://www.youngslim.com.
Chicago limo Skokie ..Yes, you read it right?no diets!The first step in this... Read More
Lose a pound of fat? what does it take? Not... Read More
Weight Loss is something that many Americans struggle with. In... Read More
Hoodia Gordonii a cactus plant found thousands of miles away... Read More
Well we're at it again, trying to honor our promise... Read More
What is the best form of physical activity?The best form... Read More
"I'd love to lose weight, but I don't have the... Read More
Are you often overcome with an urge to splurge on... Read More
Are you tired of getting the same old advice when... Read More
Before you even think of taking diet pills to lose... Read More
If you are among the millions of people searching for... Read More
When it comes to our weight and the appearance of... Read More
Breaking Down Cravings One at a TimeI know you've heard... Read More
Ever notice how your best friend can lose weight on... Read More
For those of you who aren't familiar with ephedra let... Read More
"Life would be perfect if only I was thin." That... Read More
Do you tend to find your weight increases when you... Read More
Cellulite happens to us for many reasons. Some reasons-- like... Read More
On a little island half way in between Guam and... Read More
My last article, Make Diets Work, concluded that dieting the... Read More
1. Quit snacking in between meals. Do not fall for... Read More
Have you ever wondered why diet books always seem to... Read More
Yes, there is more to the Mediterranean than sun, beach... Read More
Almost everyone has attempted to follow diets and weight loss... Read More
Are you one of the many people who feel frustrated... Read More
limo O'Hare Bonfield ..Are you committed to losing weight and keeping it off?... Read More
After the post-Halloween sugar surge, everyone coaches you to get... Read More
When I decided to lose weight I of course decided... Read More
Do you know the name of that one disease which... Read More
These days, most everyone has heard of low carb diets... Read More
Dieting presents many complications if you are not fully committed... Read More
Did you say there's a way I can eat what... Read More
If You are sick of losing the same weight over... Read More
The holidays are definitely a special time of year. These... Read More
With the number of people suffering from obesity rising so... Read More
In a gastric bypass the connection between he stomach pouch... Read More
Over two thirds of Americans are over weight, and half... Read More
It would not be surprising to hear your answer is... Read More
Don't get discouraged. I, too, have found myself in this... Read More
Am I missing something here? If I am, someone please... Read More
You've done everything right this time. You're eating lots of... Read More
Sometimes, just the thought of starting on a diet and... Read More
A fill is nothing to be worried about. The actual... Read More
Everybody you know is on the latest weight loss bandwagon:... Read More
Chant the following each day, several times. They are mantras... Read More
Stomach-Stapling Surgery ------------ There's no doubt that stomach-stapling surgery leads... Read More
Cardio Exercise...A huge variety of fitness activities provide cardiovascular benefits.... Read More
The Atkins diet Plan breakfast can usually composed of eggs... Read More
What do you think of the hundreds of weight loss... Read More
These treadmill weight loss tips are a great way to... Read More
Weight Loss |