Picture this scene: Little Johnny's mother places a large piece of chocolate cake on his plate. He's pretty happy with it -- until he glances over at his brother's portion and notices that it's even bigger than his own. Suddenly Johnny is no longer satisfied with what he got. He starts to pout and complain, and may even resort to throwing his cake on the floor.
Sound familiar? If you didn't have this experience growing up, you have surely observed it in others. And it's not only kids who engage in this sort of comparison. Adults do it too.
Suppose you get a 10% raise at work. "That's pretty good," you might say to yourself. But a few days later you find out that someone else got 12%. Now you're not so pleased. Your inner brat starts grumbling about your raise not being fair, or not being nearly enough.
The actual dollar amount of your raise hasn't changed, but your attitude toward it has. Why?
It's a result of what psychologists call "social comparison." Humans are social animals, so it's natural to view ourselves in relation to other people. It's not necessarily bad, either:
- Much of our helping behavior and charitable giving come from comparing our own circumstances with those who are less fortunate.
- Social comparison is useful in situations where we're not quite sure how to act. Let's say you're attending services at a house of worship whose rituals and procedures are unfamiliar to you. You'll probably look around and see what everyone else is doing so that you can follow along.
- Social comparison contributes to order in society. When people dress, behave and speak in similar ways they feel a sense of belonging and loyalty within the group.
BUT THERE IS A DOWNSIDE TO SOCIAL COMPARISON. Routinely comparing yourself to others -- especially when it comes to money, talent, recognition and material possessions -- will invariably lead to dissatisfaction, even if you come out on top.
Research has shown that people who make a habit of such comparisons are generally less happy than are those who base their success on their own internal standards.
Here's why:
When you compare yourself to people who have more than you, your inner brat gets into gear. Just like little Johnny and the chocolate cake described above, your inner brat dwells on what's missing, which makes you feel victimized. You'll never be satisfied, no matter how much you have, as long as someone else has more.
This is the same mentality that fuels the huge salary demands by top athletes, actors and CEOs: "I'm making $20 million, but that's not enough because the other guy's getting $30 million."
If comparing yourself to people who have more than you makes you feel worse, should you instead concentrate on comparing yourself to those who have less or accomplished less? Actually, no. While it might be comforting for the moment, it could backfire in the long run.
You could end up feeling even less secure, worrying that you'll lose what you have. Or you might feel guilty for having more than others, such that you subconsciously sabotage your future success.
It's best not to compare yourself to anyone. Other people's achievements don't diminish your own, and their misfortunes do not improve your lot.
This doesn't mean that you shouldn't compete, nor that you shouldn't strive to improve. However, do it for the right reasons -- not because your inner brat is whining, but rather to develop and grow. That way, you'll enjoy your accomplishments so much more.
---
Pauline Wallin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in Camp Hill, PA, and author of "Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide for Transforming Self-defeating Behavior" (Wildcat Canyon Press, 2004) She is also a life coach.
Visit http://www.innerbrat.com for more information, and subscribe to her free, monthly Inner Brat Newsletter.
Lincoln Stretch rentals Alsip .."And when it rains on your parade, look up rather... Read More
Take a page from Eastern wisdom Meditation, martial arts that... Read More
A More Effective WayI own a stack of self improvement... Read More
In my private practice for the past 13+ years I... Read More
There is a close link between respect for another person's... Read More
Just how powerful is the Subconscious Mind and how can... Read More
As a child you probably learned failing is bad...Failing meant... Read More
Ten years ago I went into the studio and recorded... Read More
Trust is a cornerstone of human existence. It is interesting... Read More
Three key words to remember: weigh, count and measure. Now,... Read More
Multi-task goal-completion work with everyday, "have to" activities If you... Read More
Jim Rohn, the success guru and mentor, said, "Failure is... Read More
Creating a goal tracking chart is as simple as drawing... Read More
Successful people do not achieve success on their own, they... Read More
Sometimes short cuts are not worth taking. They may bring... Read More
I have often been asked the question, "What is true... Read More
To have a high probability of becoming prosperous, you have... Read More
1. Any work activity, unless initiated at the earliest will... Read More
Do you feel you lead a healthy and happy life?... Read More
"The mind grows by what it feeds on." J.... Read More
There are "How to" seminars on virtually every business topic.... Read More
Formula For SuccessThe winners in this life know the rules... Read More
Jobs are heating up. We're all feeling the pinch of... Read More
An unexamined life is not worth living ? SocratesAll too... Read More
Thoughts are very powerful. An intention held long and hard... Read More
Western Springs shuttle limo ..Find a higher reason to reach your goal than just... Read More
For every disciplined effort, there are multiple rewards. That's one... Read More
Driven by cultural imperatives and inner promptings, we drive ourselves... Read More
It sounds simple- right? You are where you THINK you... Read More
If we are involved in a project, how hard should... Read More
Self-esteem is very important. It is the way we view... Read More
Have a "Pitch Party" Invite friends and work together to... Read More
(excerpted from the book Seven Strategies for Wealth and Happiness)Wouldn't... Read More
The ability to achieve our enormous untapped potential is directly... Read More
They say that if you really want to stretch yourself... Read More
* Perfectionism is a time waster.Strive for excellence on important... Read More
If that sounds like you, you're not alone. Everyone needs... Read More
Far too many of us struggle through life despite more... Read More
You will have the greatest success if you read the... Read More
Whoever first said that knowledge is power was probably selling... Read More
We were at some friend's house the other day and... Read More
We have all read about people who are successful briefly.... Read More
Napoleon Hill, the famous inspirational writer, once met a reader... Read More
1. They are hard working. There is no such thing... Read More
Our expectations get us into a lot of trouble and... Read More
I was flying home from a seminar in Atlanta yesterday... Read More
So you vowed to make some changes - develop healthier... Read More
Of course by now we are all becoming aware of... Read More
Frederick W. Smith attended Yale University and wrote a paper... Read More
Most self-help truths are obvious but obvious truths are often... Read More
Success |